In a life full of events, most of them terribly mundane, some stand out as defining moments;  those moments where we glimpse our true selves, apart from the self image we normally operate under.  They may be good events, such as college graduation or the birth of your first child, events where you realize what you're actually capable of.  Or they may be negative events like buying a pair of button-fly jeans which were clearly less convenient than the zippered jeans you already owned, and realizing, you too, will sometimes just buy what they tell you to buy.

I recently received this Bazooka Joe comic.  It's too early to say whether that will be one of those self exposing moments but the story it tells is not good.  If you missed the fortune go back and read it.

While Bazooka Joe is the Lance Armstrong of cool I'm apparently perpetually looking the other way, a loser, always out of the loop on the "Latest Trends", denied the respect I crave.

Is a Bazooka Joe fortune binding though?  Is there nothing I can do?  I think not!  To that end I've put together a program of rigorous study that I hope will help me approach Bazooka Joe levels of coolness.

Yes, Bazooka Joe seems to have it all (although, if he would ride his bike less recklessly, he might still have both eyes) but that doesn't mean I have to resign myself to 

Here are the steps of my program, derived from the Bazooka Joe manual of cool that so fortuitously fell into my hands:



I will be playing my guitar more and as loud as possible.

I will watch more movies and will try to understand them.  Here I am with the  Police Academy series which I rented.

I will learn to play the classic video games.  Here I'm struggling with Ms. Pac Man.  I think there's some kind of pattern to this game.
That's it.  As you can see I'm hard at work making my dreams a reality but there's more to do.  So what I'm doing is having a party for winners and losers alike.

It will feature:

  • Food
  • Beer
  • Wine
  • A loser on the mend

Here are directions.

Don't feel the need to bring anything unless there's something that, for you, a party isn't a party without.

And, speaking of being "hip to the latest trends".  I'm investigating his Karaoke thing.  Apparently it's all the rage.  There is a tremendous amount of material for these machines.  I'm leaning towards a "Great Speeches of the 20th Century" Karaoke package.  I think it would be a rip roaring good time as well as being educational.

So, whose going?


I'm a loser and I'll be there to
learn from the winners.

My biggest loser trait:

I'm a winner and I'll be 
there to help the losers

Help I can offer losers:

J. No

Gee, there are so many... my biggest... could also be seen as what I have to offer though... I have vast knowledge of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I am Dave's girlfriend; a loser by association.

Air}{ammer (P.A.)

I actually chose to be Dave’s inlaw, and Oh yeah, Dave gets more chics than me these days. Plus, he has a cool car and big toys and, and guitars...and and, well this is getting embarrassing. Well at least I have this Badass name to hide behind. Asshats Beware!!!

Loser by association

Friend of Big Fat Loser!


I'll be on the east coast catching rays and waves. Actuall, I'll be driving a mini-van, with my wife and two kids, on my way to the east coast to catch rays and waves. Actually, since I married a dermatologist, I won't be catching rays. Actually, since I'm completely clueless on a surf board I won't be catching waves, either.

Shouldn't there be a category for losers who won't be there because they can't even learn from other losers?


Even when I'm fully clad in black leather the goth boys taunt me saying "You look like someone who just crawled out of an L.L. Bean Catalog." But my last name is Cool.

lame lindsay

cool party starts at 6pm- i can make my 9:30 bedtime.

Steve Shabino

I'm a perfectionist..err...a procrastinator...something like that.


Being friends with Dave's girlfriend

Christy Poecze

Being Steve's girlfriend, I have to default to loser status. At least he won't be wearing the HUgh Hefner get-up this year, so that should help us be a notch cooler than we were at last summer's party. (Oh, just kidding, Steve!)


I used play D&D


wait I just thought of another one...I can burp the alphabet.


wait a minute I got another one. I am bringing my new boyfriend...I just got him in the mail. Hopefully, I will have inflated by next Friday. He is a totally hottie...if you know what I mean.


I have sent my belly button lint as a parting gift to an ex boyfriend.


I just realized that for the past 3 days I have been taking estrogen rather than my Allegra. This would explain the allergies getting worse and my extra urge... if you know what I mean. (wink)


I love to watch the Weather Channel......I can't help it, I just get turned on everytime I see previews for "Storm Stories"


you say GEEK as if it were a bad thing

The bearded sunglass girl (AKA, Deb)

Apparently for quite some time my "friends" have thought me a dork for the convenient place I rest my sunglasses when they are not on my head. I am currently in a 12 step correction program, but I'm only on step 3. Maybe one of the cool people can help me out.


Even though I'm a rock lovin', flik watchin', vidiot, chicks don't dig me 'cause I'm a nerd. I own 400 comic books, a Star Trek Collector plate, and an Enterprise shaped telephone.


Absolutely a loser...the best thing I have going for me now is a tan that all are jealous of...whoopee...rather have a job!!!


Just a samplingof my CDs: Rick Springfield, The Bangles, The Carpenters... I reallly need help.


i have a burning desire to find out from 'the other dave' what "F'shizzle, dizzle" truly means. and not just that. everything snoop says. i'm just not up to speed yet, and if i ever intend to fulfill my dream of being a rap guy's big butted sir-mix-a-lot type girlfriend, then i need to know. otherwise, my dream of being the true love of shock g and gettin busy in a burger king bathroom won't come true. although, he's getting old, so i might have to set my sights on 50 cent now. as long as i don't get shot. eminem, eat your heart out.

J. (Joyce) Cool

I usually consider myself a pretty hip gal, but since I won't make it to Dave's party, I guess that qualifies me as a loser this time around. I'll miss it! Maybe next time?


forgot to rsvp until the day of the party? wait, tomorrow's the party.? or is it next week? OK- not being able to keep track would keep me in this column.

Bad Sally

I have a tiara... hey I go both ways... loser and winner!

Joe Coolerthanyou

I won't be at this loser party. There's a cooler party the same night where the most interesting things will be happenin'. Oops! You weren't supposed to know.

Greg Corsi

'member when Marcia wore the wig and pretended to be Greg's jilted lover so that Greg could treat her like dirt in front of another girl that liked him, and as he's kicking the disguised Marcia out the front door he yawns "Come on, Loser..." That's me. I'm Greg Brady at that moment. I feel like saying, "Come on, Loser..." to the whole world. Cause I'm a winner, man. Just like Greg Brady. I'm a big, fat winner. And you're not.

Bob R.

I ooze cool. I leave little puddles of cool wherever I go. But rather than a trendy, disposable cool, my cool is classic, like a '56 T-Bird. And I can hold my liquor.


Les parties américaines de capitaliste de bourgois nous ennuient, ainsi nous serons présents seulement brièvement


how to cook pasta that won't stick to is a very fast recipe.

Bill L

Normally the L stands for loser but in this crowd...


how to spend 8 years 9in college and emerge with nothing but student loans


I can help the losers accessorize. I have lots of great jewelry sitting in galleries that are not doing very good business now...

Holly C.

Do not propose to your girlfriend in the Klingon language.

Jodi & Ken

We'll be there--if nothing else, just to convince Dave he needs to get out jetskiing at least ONCE this summer since he blew us off last year....Dave: the cool kids hang at the beach in the summer...

Reformed Loser

I used to date Dave, but I'm better now.

The Other Dave

Have you ever wondered what it means when someone like Snoop Dogg says "F'shizzle, dizzle"? I can teach you, and in this day and age, that is a marketable skill.

Steffanie--Queen of the Geeks

a fine selection of discarded monitors and computers stacked up in my extra room...ok maybe this makes me a loser...hey but I still got a new computer...OH yeah...the height of my coolness


i have seen almost every episode of shelley duvall's faerie tale theatre. this does make me cool, i'm just not sure how. i also have a very spiffy collection of shoes.


On second thought, after reading some of the loser's comments, I really think I am one of the cool people...and besides, just because I hang out with Dave doesn't mean I'm a loser!